Marital Counseling
Marital-Related Statistics and Reflections
Jul/27/06 15:08
The US Bureau of the Census says 40%-50% of first
time marriages will end in divorce (the number
increases for remarriage). These are projected
statistics that can be changed! With a renewed focus
on marriage we can reduce this number.
I am personally convinced that unresolved conflict (over finances, children, sex, work, in laws, goals and roles) is the primary culprit. It's not so much that there is conflict, because it's inevitable, but it's how the conflict is managed. With ineffective communication and conflict resolution strategies couples find themselves frustrated and angry, which blocks them from getting the closeness and intimacy that they desire. The conflict or issue gets covered or hidden in the heat of the battle and then ends up unresolved. This unresolved conflict then emerges in the "little things." Something as benign as asking, "What time will dinner be ready?" becomes an explosive question because it may bring up unresolved conflict related to roles and work distribution at home.
Whenever we find ourselves stuck in this communication rut it becomes very difficult for couples to sort it out on their own because of their emotional involvement. This is why couples often seek an "impartial" third-party or counselor to help sort out some of the issues and equip them with new skills. It's helpful to have someone who is not so closely tied to the conflict to help navigate for a time. With new communication skills and some practice most couples are able to avoid divorce and actually add new life to their marriages!
I am personally convinced that unresolved conflict (over finances, children, sex, work, in laws, goals and roles) is the primary culprit. It's not so much that there is conflict, because it's inevitable, but it's how the conflict is managed. With ineffective communication and conflict resolution strategies couples find themselves frustrated and angry, which blocks them from getting the closeness and intimacy that they desire. The conflict or issue gets covered or hidden in the heat of the battle and then ends up unresolved. This unresolved conflict then emerges in the "little things." Something as benign as asking, "What time will dinner be ready?" becomes an explosive question because it may bring up unresolved conflict related to roles and work distribution at home.
Whenever we find ourselves stuck in this communication rut it becomes very difficult for couples to sort it out on their own because of their emotional involvement. This is why couples often seek an "impartial" third-party or counselor to help sort out some of the issues and equip them with new skills. It's helpful to have someone who is not so closely tied to the conflict to help navigate for a time. With new communication skills and some practice most couples are able to avoid divorce and actually add new life to their marriages!
Not So Good: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness & Stonewalling
Jun/28/06 10:09
The Washington Post's Sandra
Goodman writes, "Unhappy
couples and those who divorce tend to resort to
what John Gottman, a Seattle psychologist and
one of the pioneers of the study of marital
behavior, calls "the Four Horsemen of the
Apocalypse": criticism, contempt, defensiveness
and stonewalling. They get stuck in negative,
destructive patterns, have fewer positive
interactions than happy couples and are unable
to resolve problems." These four factors can be
harmful to promoting the type of marriage you
desire.