What is Good Premarital Counseling?

By Brian Craig, ThM, MA/BC, LPC

There is a lot of uncertainty, even within the counseling profession, about what makes for good premarital counseling. Some will have you do a budget, talk about expectations and send you on your merry way. But is that enough? Research shows that a majority of people offering premarital counseling have not received structured professional training. Yet it is to these people that more and more couples are going because we are recognizing the need for premarital counseling due to the family crisis in America.

Is there even a need for premarital counseling? Many couples may say, “We are in love, things are going great and we are committed to one another. Those facts will protect our relationship.” Yet, marital research tells us that of the couples that get married, one-half of them will end up divorcing! That is a 50% success rate. That may be excellent for a baseball player, however those are woeful numbers for marriages. Or you may say, “We are Christians and we are against divorce. That will sustain us.” What’s even more staggering is that the divorce rate for Christians is also 50%, equal to the general population. So what's going on?

Who or what’s to blame? While there are a number of societal factors to blame - such as poor role models, myths about marriage and changing social values – the key seems to be knowledge and skills. While knowledge and skills in themselves does not ensure proper action, it does help safeguard marriages and reduce the range of potential marriage ending conflicts. Biblically, we see this idea in Hosea 4:6 “My people perish for lack of knowledge.” This verse is as applicable today was it was millennia ago. Many marriages fail today because of a “lack of knowledge” about marital basics. The analogy of getting your drivers license can help us understand the need for premarital education.

When you were 15 years old and applying for your driver’s license you were required to demonstrate a certain level of knowledge and skill in driving a car. You had to be able to read a traffic light, know what a stop sign meant, know when to yield, etc. All of the things you take for granted today were once foreign to you. You also were required to practice driving with an experienced driver in order to gain experience – how to apply what you learned. You needed to learn how to merge onto a freeway, parallel park, and so on. I’m sure now you appreciate those lessons and practice because you have probably avoided many disastrous wrecks! You are confident in your abilities to drive, having been equipped with the knowledge and skills to be successful.

Premarital counseling should work much in the same way by helping you become competent in "driving" your marriage. A couple needs to learn the basics of marriage – what it is, when and how to handle conflict, when to yield and so on.

This brings me back to my original question, “What is good premarital counseling?” Premarital counseling can be defined as counseling and education in the skills necessary for lasting marital success. Based upon my education and experience, premarital counseling should both give you the knowledge and skills necessary to succeed in your marriage.

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